How to make friends as an adult

At school and at university, you saw the same people every day without planning it. Friendships grew from that regular contact.

As an adult, work, family, and moving to a new place all reduce those chances. Your old friends move away or get busy, and nobody replaces them automatically.

Having fewer friends does not mean that something is wrong with you. It usually means that you have fewer chances to see the same people again and again.

A study by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas found that people spend about 50 hours together before they become casual friends. Close friends spend more than 200 hours together.¹

One meeting with a new person will not make a friendship. The goal is to see the same people regularly, so that the hours add up without effort.

This is why a weekly activity works better than a large party. You meet fewer people, but you see them every week, so your time spent together grows.

Pick something that happens every week or every month with the same group of people. Choose an activity that you enjoy, because you will keep going when it is fun.

• Join a running club or a hiking group.
• Play in a football team or a tennis group for beginners.
• Go to a board games night or a book club for reading.
• Take a class in cooking, painting, or a new language.
• Give your time to a cause that you care about through volunteering.

An activity also gives you something to talk about. You do not need to think of conversation topics when you are already doing something together.

You can find more activity ideas on the activities page.

Most adults wait for someone else to invite them. If everyone waits, nothing happens.

Suggest a specific plan instead of a general one. Say "Do you want to get a coffee after the class next week?" instead of "We should meet up sometime."

Research shows that people underestimate how much others appreciate it when they reach out with a message or an invitation. The more unexpected the message, the more the other person appreciated it.² If someone says no, invite them again another time, or invite someone else.

You probably already know people who could become friends, such as colleagues, neighbours, or the people you see at the gym. These small steps help you get to know them better.

• Learn their names and use them.
• Ask follow-up questions and remember the answers for next time.
• Share something about yourself, so that the conversation goes both ways.
• Meet in a small group or with just the two of you, where it is easier to talk.
• Send a message between meetings, for example a link or a photo that made you think of them.

Moving to a new city is one of the most common reasons why adults lose their social circle. It is also a good time to build a new one, because many other people in your city are new too.

Say yes to as many invitations as you can when you first arrive in the city. Look for groups for people who are new to the area, and for groups that speak your language.

Choose one or two regular activities early, so that your week has fixed points where you see the same people. Our guide to making friends in a new city has more steps.

Meetups that are based on an activity are easier when you are shy. The activity gives everyone something to focus on, so the conversation can start slowly.

After a first conversation, most people underestimate how much the other person liked them. Researchers call this the liking gap.³ It means that you probably made a better impression than you think. These tips can help you feel more comfortable at your first meetup.

• Arrive early, when the group is small and it is easier to say hello.
• Set yourself one small goal, such as learning one person's name.
• Ask questions, because most people like to talk about their interests.
• Leave when you are ready, and go again next time.

It gets easier each time you go back to the same group.

Apps for friendship help you find people nearby who are interested in the same things as you. Mingle Meetup IRL is a free app for meeting new friends through shared activities and hobbies.

In the app, you can find meetups near you, join clubs for your interests, and chat with the group before you go. If there is no meetup for your activity yet, you can create your own for free.

The aim of the app is to help you meet people in person. Read our safety guidance before you meet someone for the first time.

Making friends as an adult takes effort, but it is worth it. Start with one small step this week, such as joining one activity or sending one message.

I hope this guide helps you to meet new people. If you have a question or a story to share, you can contact us.